Сложность художественного перевода на английский язык | Черняков и его дневник

 

Сложность художественного перевода на английский язык

17.10.2015

Сначала присказка. Многие мои англоязычные знакомые знают, что я чего-то там пишу и рассказываю какие-то сказки. Некоторые даже знают, что у меня там даже какая-то книжка была. Всё спрашивали, а не хочу ли я перевести на английский? Им интересно вроде как почитать (хотя не исключено что говорят из вежливости, канадцы – они такие).

Ну хотеть то я перевести на английский хочу, почему бы и нет? Но вот сам я точно пока не смогу. Во-первых, мой собственный английский – это ещё та песня. Во вторых, надо перевести так, чтобы сохранить смысл повествования. То есть не просто перевести, а перевести так, чтобы канадцу или американцу было понятно, о чём там речь.

Я знаю, что есть некоторые рассказы, которые вообще переводить бесполезно. Ну, например, когда смысл всего рассказа раскрывается только в финале, когда идёт цитата из песни группы «Крематорий». Я не верю, что такое можно перевести (хотя попытаться меня удивить можете всегда). Однако есть такие рассказы, которые не имеют особо глубоких культурных различий, и в принципе да, можно попробовать перевести без потери смысла. Вот я и решил попробовать. Пользу от этого занятия не много, но мне интересно. То же самое, как и с книжкой – это была коммерчески абсолютно бесполезная затея, но зато вполне себе интересное времяпрепровождение.

И так, есть несколько переводчиков, которые готовы взяться за работу. Их много, и мне надо выбрать того, кто будет переводить. Я каждому из них дал одинаковый отрывок текста и попросил перевести. Основной акцент необходимо сделать не на точность и дословность перевода, а на то, чтобы текст был понятен и не скучен североамериканцу. При выборе наилучшего перевода я буду полагаться на мнение одного знакомого канадца. Он профессиональный преподаватель английского языка, плюс у него потрясающее чувство юмора. Я как раз и покажу ему примеры переводов. Самый интересный момент заключается в том, что он как раз будет оценивать не точность перевода (русский язык он не знает), а именно то, как выглядит сам текст с точки зрения канадского читателя. То есть определять, получилась ли понятная история, либо это была не самая удачная попытка перевода.

А теперь я обращаюсь к вам, мои дорогие русскоязычные друзья. Если вы считаете, что вы достаточно владеете английским, и понимаете менталитет североамериканцев, и у вас есть свободное время, а главное и желание мне помочь – посмотрите тоже варианты перевода. Я понимаю, что это целая работа прочитать больше десятка раз один и тот же текст, поэтому не настаиваю. Но если вы всё-таки осилите, то знайте, ваше мнение мне тоже будет очень очень полезно. В комментариях, пожалуйста, указывайте имя переводчика и ваше мнение о его работе.

Я попросил перевести отрывок из рассказа «Чудо». Само заглавие уже было для меня вопросом, как перевести «Чудо» на английский язык так, чтобы это хоть и говорило о человеке с причудами, но с другой стороны, чтобы ни в коем случае не несло отрицательного или обижающего смысла? Так сказать weird but cool. Вот сам отрывок на русском языке. А дальше уже варианты переводов. И заранее вам большое человеческое спасибо.

Оригинальный текст

Ни что не красит так рабочий день, как время обеденного перерыва. Вышел на улицу, потянулся, загораю на солнышке, жду ЕЁ. А тем временем перед глазами рисуется чудная картина городской суеты: проезжают автобусу, колоннами шагает на обед офисный планктон, кто-то торгует сосисками, кто-то выписывает штрафы за парковку. Одним словом - жизнь течёт. И только я никуда не спешу, стою на «берегу» и со стороны созерцаю мирскую суету большого города.

Чудо оказалась на редкость пунктуальной. Как и обещала, через 15 минут после смски на другой стороне улицы я заметил свою новую подругу. Тут для красоты повествования давайте нарисуем эту картину как в кино: шум города вдруг куда-то исчезает, где-то на фоне заиграла лёгкая музыка, замедленная съёмка, развивающиеся на ветру светлые локоны, тонкое летнее платьице, походка от бедра. Сама улыбается ярче солнца, руками машет - «Привет!» Ага, вижу.

Мы стояли по разные стороны дороги, а между нами один за другим пролетали городские автобусы. Наконец на светофоре загорелся красный свет, автобусы встали, она подошла и звонко так, по-канадски поздоровалась

- Привет!
- Привет и тебе, молодец, ценю пунктуальность
- Тебе ничего не будет, за то, что ты с работы ушёл?
- У меня обед
- И как долго ты обычно обедаешь?
- Думаю, что час погулять мы сможем
- Ясно, времени мало, пошли за мной
- Если нам часа мало, то может быть тогда побежали?
- Нет, пойдём, тут близко

Больше вопросов в данную минуту у меня не возникло. Куда и зачем меня ведут? - понятия не имею. Можно было бы устроить допрос, но смысл?

- Кстати, - сказало Чудо на ходу - сегодня и погода подходящая
- Подходящая? - ну да, такая погода действительно подходит ко многому, пожалуй, кроме хоккея - Мы же не в хоккей играть идём?
- Нет
- Это хорошо
- Кстати, спасибо, что согласился пойти со мной
- Да пожалуйста...

Я «согласился»? Когда? Но с другой стороны не припоминаю, чтобы и отчего-то отказывался. А раз не отказывался - значит, она права, есть в этом какая-то логика.

1. Переводчик Юлия

Nothing makes my working day as better as lunch time.

I went outside, gave a stretch sunbathing and waiting for HER. Meanwhile I admired a wonderful picture of the hustle and bustle of the city: buses were passing by, a column of office workers were marching to the cafeteria, somebody was selling hot dogs, and another one was giving tickets for parking. In a word, life was flowing. I was the only one who wasn’t in a hurry standing «on a shore» and watching the mundane bustle of the big city.

Flaky was found to be rarely punctual. As she had promised, 15 minutes after the message I saw my new friend at the other side of the street. For the sake of beautiful narration, let me draw the picture like in a movie: the urban noise suddenly faded away, some light background music began to play, slow motion, her fair curls waving in the wind, fine summer dress, hip sway. Her smile was brighter than the sun, she waved her arms – “Hi!”. Uh, I see.

We stood on the opposite sides of the road and buses rushed between us one by one. Finally, the traffic lights showed red, the buses stopped, she came up to me and greeted me with such a ringing voice, in a Canadian way.

- Hi!
- Same to you! Good for you, I appreciate your punctuality.
- Won’t you get punished for leaving your work?
- It’s my lunch time.
- And how long does it usually last?
- I think we can take an hour walk.
- We have little time, I see. Follow me!
- If an hour is not enough, maybe, we should run?
- No, let’s go, it’s near enough.

At that moment I had no other questions. Where and why did she take me? – I didn’t have the slightest idea. I could interrogate her but did it make any sense?

- By the way, - said Flaky while we were going. – The weather is favorable today.
- Favorable? – well yeah, such weather is really favorable for everything except hockey – we are not going to play hockey, are we?
- No, we aren’t.
- It’s good.
- By the way, thank you for agreeing to go with me.
- Yeah, you’re welcome…

Did I “agree”? When? On the other hand, I couldn’t remember refusing anything. And if I didn’t refuse, she was right then, there was some logic about it.

Оценка редактора и комментарий: 4/10 This is not a very good translation. There are a lot of clumsy, un-native-like word choices and word order, as well as grammar, and even a few very serious translation errors which cause the text to make little sense.

2. Переводчик Виктория

Nothing yields a flavor to a working day as a lunch-break. Go outside, stretch out, and sun myself, waiting for HER. Meanwhile, a wonderful picture of hustle and bustle of the city is beginning to emerge: bypassing buses, desk-drones go for lunch-break, someone sells sausages, someone gives tickets for parking. In a word – life goes on. Only me, not in a hurry, standing on “shore” and gazing vanities of the world of big city.

My weirdo turned out to be unusually like a clock. As she promised, in 15 minutes after sms, I saw my new friend on other side of the street. For feeling out the beauty of the narration, let us draw this picture like in a movie: noise of the city suddenly disappears, light music starts playing somewhere in the background, slow shooting, and we see blond hair swinging in the wind, cool summer dress, hip sway. She is smiling brighter than the sun, waving her hands – “Hi!” as if saying, Yeah, I see.

We stood on the opposite sides of the road, and between us, there were only buses bypassing one after another. Finally, red light lit up at the traffic lights, buses stopped, she came up and greeted me as loudly as the Canadians do

- Hi!
- Hey there, thatta girl, I appreciate punctuality
- Won’t you have any problems for leaving work?
- I have a lunch-break
- And how long do you usually lunch?
- I suppose, we have an hour
- Got it! We are short of time, come a long
- If we are short of time, maybe we should run?
- No, it’s OK, it is near here

Other questions have not arisen at this moment. Where are we going and why? - I have no idea. I can put her through an examination, but the point?

- By the way, - said Weirdo on our way, - even weather is appropriate today
- Appropriate? - well, yes, such weather is really appropriate for many things, perhaps, except hockey - We do not go playing hockey?
- No
- That’s good
- By the way, thanks, you agreed coming with me
- No problem...

I “agreed”? When? However, on the other hand, I do not remember that I refused. If I didn’t refuse - it means, she’s right, there is a kind of logic here.

Оценка редактора и комментарий: 3/10 This one is even worse. The word choices and phrasings are clearly direct translations from your language, but not written by someone with a seasoned ear for English.

3. Переводчик Арагорн

The best time during the workday is the dinner break. I went out, stretched and become waiting for HER, taking the sunbathe. Meanwhile, the lovely picture of urban bustle draws ahead: passing buses, marching for lunch office plankton, someone selling sausages, someone writing parking tickets. In a word – Everyday life. And I am the only one who doesn’t hurry, standing on a “coast” of this “river” of life and contemplating the madding crowd of the big city. Wonder proved to be rarely punctual. As it was promised, I saw my new girlfriend on the other side of the street after 15 minutes of SMS. Here (for the beauty of the narrative) let's draw the picture like in the movie: the noise of the city suddenly disappears somewhere, soft music begun to play in the background, slow shooting, blond hair fluttering in the wind, a thin summer dress, gait from the hip. She smiles brighter than the sun, waving her hands - "Hi!". Yeah, I see you. We were standing on the opposite sides of the road, buses quickly passed between us one after another. Finally, red light appeared at the traffic lights, buses stopped, she went and loudly greeted me by Canadian.

“Hi!”
“Hi! I appreciate punctuality, well done.”
“Is that alright that you left your work?”
“I have a lunch break”
“And how long do you usually dine?”
“I think that we will be able to walk an hour”
“Clearly, time is short, follow me”
“May be we should run, if we have only hour?”
“No need to run, it’s close”

A had not any questions at that moment. Where do we go? Why? – no answers. I could ask her, but did I need?

“By the way” – said Wonder while going - “weather is lovely suitable today”
“Is it?” – weather was really suitable to anything, exluding the hokkey – “we don’t we to play hokkey, aren’t we?”
“No”
“That’s good”
“Thank you for agreeing to come with me, by the way”
“No problem”

I didn’t remember when I gave an agree, but neither remembered refusing something. And once I didn’t refuse – so she’s right in that kind of logic.

Оценка редактора и комментарий: 2/10 This is the worst one yet. Every sentence has a grammar error and/or a clumsy translation; sometimes the translation is so off I don’t even get the intention.

4. Переводчик Антон

Nothing graces a working day more than lunch time. I get out on the street and stretch out soaking up the sun and waiting for HER. Meanwhile, a wonderful sight of the hustle and bustle of the city comes into view: buses are passing by, desk jockeys are marching in columns for lunch, someone is selling hot dogs, someone is giving tickets for parking. In a word, life flows on. And only I don’t hurry anywhere, just standing "ashore" and contemplating the worldly vanity of the city.

Dilly turned out to be rarely punctual. As she had promised, 15 minutes after the SMS I noticed my new friend across the street. Now, for the story’s beauty, let’s make a picture like in a movie: suddenly, urban noise disappears, a light music starts playing in the background, slow motion, blonde locks waving in the wind, a fine summer dress, hip swaying walk. She smiles brighter than the sun and waves her hands, "Hey!" Yeah, I see you.

We were standing on the opposite sides of the street, while city buses filed between us one after another. Finally, the red light lit up, buses stopped, she walked up to me and greeted me so clearly, in a Canadian way.

"Hey!"
"Hey yourself! That’s the girl, I appreciate punctuality."
"Is it okay that you’ve left your work?"
"Its my lunch time."
"And how long do you usually take lunch?"
"I think, we can have an hour to walk around."
"I see, time is short, follow me."
"If one hour is little time for us, maybe we should run?"
"No, let’s walk, it’s not far from here"

I had no further questions at that moment. Where is she taking me? I don’t have an idea. I could have started asking, but what’s the point?

"By the way," Dilly asked on the go, "the weather today is suitable as well."
"Suitable?"

Of course, such weather is really suitable for a lot of things, unless it is hockey.

"We’re not going to play hockey, are we?"
"Nope."
"Tha’s good."
"Anyway, thank you for agreeing to come with me."
"Well, you’re welcome…"

Did I agree? When? On the other hand, I don’t remember refusing anything as well. And as I didn’t refuse, then she’s right, there’s some logic in it.

Оценка редактора и комментарий: 7/10 This translation is pretty good. The translator’s word choices are more native like and lively, and s/he has a writerly ear for fresh language. I’m not bothered by the grammar errors or occasional word that seems to be an inexact translation (such as “graces”). A good editor will catch that.

5. Переводчик Андрей

There is only one thing that can make you feel good about a working day – a break for lunch. I went out and stretched enjoying the sun and waiting for HER. Meanwhile I watched the great hustle and bustle of the city; the buses were going by, office monkeys were marching as if at the parade, someone was selling sausages, someone was writing a ticket for wrong parking. Basically, life was going on. But I was not hurrying; I was standing “ashore” observing the mundane fuss of the big city.

My weirdo turned out to be punctual. I got a message from her and 15 minutes later I saw my new acquaintance across the road exactly as she had promised. I want to make this moment a little more vivid and cinematic, so here it is: the noise of the city seemed to fade away, some light music started playing in the background, slow motion, fair locks waving in the breeze, light summer dress, a hip swaying walk. Her smile was brighter than the sun, she waved “hello” to me; ha, here she was.

We were standing at different sides of the road and city buses were running between us. Finally, red light went on, the buses stopped, she came up to me and greeted me in a ringing Canadian manner:

“Good day!”
“Good day to you and well done; I appreciate punctuality.”
“Is it Ok that you are away from office?”
“ It’s lunch break.”
“And for how long does it usually last?”
“I think we have about an hour to walk around.”
“I see, we have little time; follow me.”
“Well, if an hour is little time, should we run?”
“No, let’s walk, it’s not far.”

I could think of no more questions to ask. Where are we going and why should I follow her? I had no idea. I could start an interrogation, but it didn’t seem right.

“By the way”, my Weirdo said walking “The weather is great for it today.”
“Great for it?” well yeah, this weather could be great for a lot of things, I guess, except for hockey “We are not going to play hockey, are we?”
“No”
“That’s good”
“Yes, and thanks that you’ve agree to go with me”
“Well, you’re welcome…”

Have I “agreed”? When? On the other hand, I don’t remember refusing. And if I haven’t refused, than she was right, it makes sense.

Оценка редактора и комментарий: 8/10 This is a very good translation. There are some significant grammar errors, but an editor can fix those. Most importantly, this one seems to have captured your humor, and the word choice is fresh and native like.

6. Переводчик Лилия

You would hardly find a thing that savors a workday better than a lunch break.

I got out on the street, gave a stretch, and had some sunbath while waiting for HER. Meantime, a lovely scene of busy urban life could be observed in front: the buses passing by, the cubicle rats marching to take dinner, somebody selling sausages, somebody issuing parking tickets. In a word, life was seething up. But for me, there was no hurry, I was standing “high and dry”, contemplating the hustle of the city.

My new friend Wierdie turned out to be quite diligent. As agreed, she appeared on the opposite side of the road 15 minutes after messaging. Here let's make narration pretty and imagine a straight out of the movie scene: city noise dying out suddenly, light music playing in the background, slow motion, blond curls waving in the breeze, a fine summer dress, hip swaying. Giving a beaming smile and waving with her hands, she greeted, “Hallo!” Yeah, seeing you.

We were standing on the opposite sides of the road full of the buses passing between us one after the other. Finally, the traffic light turned red, the buses stopped, she stepped up and began with a ringing Canadian-like greeting,

“Howdee!”
“Hi, well done, appreciate punctuality.”
“Won’t you have problems for you had left your work?”
“It’s my lunch time.”
“And how long do you usually have your lunch?”
“I think we can walk for an hour or so.”
“Got it, pressed for time, let’s go.”
“Shall we run, if pressed for time?”
“No, it's near.”

No more questions were arising in my head. I had no idea where and why I was being shepherded. I could start questioning, but there was no use of that.

“By the way,” said Wierdie on the way, “the weather is favourable today then.”
“Favourable? Sure, such weather is favourable for many things, perhaps except hockey. But yet we aren’t going to play hockey, are we?”
“No, we aren’t.”
“That’s good.”
“And thanks for you wished to go with me."
“You are welcome…”

Wished? When? However, nor denied. Therefore, she has a point there.

Оценка редактора и комментарий: 2/10 There are so many grammar errors, inexact, unclear, and non-native-like translations, that I would advise against hiring this translator.

7. Переводчик Дарья Вариант 1

A work day is always less dull when you have a proper lunch break.

I went outside, stretched myself a little bit, now I am soaking up the sun and waiting for HER whilst enjoying the buzz of a big city: buses are passing by, office workers are going for lunch, somebody is selling hot dogs, policemen are giving parking fines... In short, life goes on. And I am the only one not in a hurry, just standing here and watching the city life from aside.

The Weirdo was surprisingly punctual. As promised in her text 15 minutes ago, my new friend appeared on the other side of the street. Let me give you a full picture of the situation, so you can see it like in a movie: all noises suddenly disappear; you can hear some music in the background, slow motion, blonde hair fluttering in the breeze, the light summer dress, her hips swaying slowly... she is smiling radiantly and waving her hand: “Hi!” Yup, I can see you.

We were on opposite sides of the road, with the city transport running between us. Finally, the red light! The buses stopped, she came up to me and said in her Canadian accent:

- Hey!
- Hey, and thanks for being on time!
- You left work early, what will happen to you now?
- I am on my lunch break.
- And how long does it usually last?
- I think we can safely have an hour.
- Got it! We don’t have much time, follow me.
- If an hour is not enough, shall we run, perhaps?
- No no, let’s walk, it’s just around the corner.

I had no more questions at that moment. Where am I going and why? I had no idea. I could have asked these questions but what’s the point?

- By the way, the weather is just perfect today, - said the Weirdo in the meantime.
- Perfect? Well, yes, this weather is perfect for anything except for, maybe, ice-hockey. We are not going to play ice-hockey, are we?
- No.
- That’s good.
- By the way, thanks for coming with me.
- No problem...

Оценка редактора и комментарий: 9/10 This is an excellent translation. The translator not only has a native-like ear for English phrases and dialogue, but it’s funny and well written.

8. Переводчик Дарья Вариант 2

Nothing makes weekdays brighter than lunchtime. I went outside, stretched,and sunbakedwhile I waited for HER. Meanwhile, a wonderful picture of hustle and bustle of the city was emerging before my eyes: passing buses, columns of office plankton marching for lunch, someone selling sausages, someone writing out parking tickets. In a word - life was going on. Only I am not in a hurry. I stand on the “shore” and behold the madding crowd of the city from outside.

The Thing proved to be extremely punctual. As promised, 15 minutes after the SMS I saw my new girlfriend at the other side of the street. Here, for the sake of the narrative, let’s paint this picture like in the movies: the noise of the city subsides, light music begins to play somewhere in the background, slow shooting, blond curls wave in the breeze, a thin summer frock, swinging her hips. She smiles brighter than the sun, waving her hands – “Hi”! Yeah, I see.

We stood on opposite sides of the street, and between us buses flew one after another. Finally, the traffic lights turned red, buses stopped, and she came up to me and greeted me loudly in the Canadian way:

- Hi!
- Hi to you as well. Attagirl, I appreciate punctuality.
- Won’t they be angry with you for leaving work?
- It’s my lunchtime
- How long do you usually have lunch?
- I think we’ll be able to walk for an hour
- I see, time is short, let’s go
- Perhaps we’d better run if one hour is not enough?
- No, let’s walk, it’s not far away

For the moment, I had no more questions. To where and for what was she leading me? - I have no idea. I could starting asking questions, but what’s the point?

- By the way, - said the Thing on the go – the weather is suitable today
- Suitable? – of course, this sort of weather is suitable for many things except, perhaps, hockey – We aren’t going to play hockey, are we?
- No, we are not
- That’s good
- By the way, thank you for agreeing to go with me
- You are welcome...

Оценка редактора и комментарий: 5/10 Not terrible. The translator’s English is pretty good, although judging by the clichés, passive verbs and mixed metaphors, s/he is likely not a writer. If you hired this translator, your work could still be saved, but it would require a lot of work from an editor.

9. Переводчик Lingua-Space

Nothing brightens your working day more than the lunchtime.

I came out into the street, stretched myself and turned my face to the sun, waiting for HER. Meanwhile, a wonderful picture of hustle and bustle of the city appears before my eyes: buses passing by, columns of cubicle drones marching for lunch, someone selling sausages, someone writing parking tickets. In a word – life is flowing.

Only I am not in a hurry, standing on the "shore" and contemplating the madding crowd of the city.

Marvie turned out to be extremely punctual. As she had promised, 15 minutes after the sms I noticed my new girlfriend across the street. Here, to brighten up the narration, let's draw this picture like in a movie: the noise of the city is suddenly disappearing, light music starting to play somewhere in the background, slow motion, blond hair locks fluttering in the wind, thin summer dress, hips swaying. She is smiling brighter than the sun, waving her arms, "Hi!" Yeah, I see.

We were standing on different sides of the road, buses running one by one between us. Finally, the traffic light turned red, buses stopped, she came up to me and said loudly, you know, in the Canadian way.

- Hi!
- Hi yourself. Good girl, I appreciate punctuality.
- Is it ok that you left the work?
- I have a lunch break.
- And how long do you usually have lunch?
- I think we can have a swing for an hour.
- I see, we are short of time, come along.
- If one hour is not enough, so maybe we should run?
- No, come on, it’s nearby.

I had no more questions for the moment. Where and why am I going? - I have no idea. I could arrange an interrogation, but what was the point?

- By the way, - said Marvie on the go – the weather is appropriate today.
- Appropriate? - Well, yes, such weather is really suited to many things, perhaps, except for hockey.
- We’re not going to play hockey, are we?
- We are not.
- Good.
- By the way, thank you for agreeing to come with me.
- You are welcome...

I “agreed"? When? But on the other hand I do not recall that I refused either. And now that I did not refuse - so she's right, there is some kind of logic.

Оценка редактора и комментарий: 8/10 Quite good. This translator has avoided many of the same mistakes others made, which suggests that h/she has a better command of English, and has also used some fresh and lively phrases. There are, however, a few obviously inaccurate translations.

10. Переводчик Юрий. Вариант 1

There is nothing better than lunchtime in the middle of the working day.

Having gone outside and stretched my arms, I am sunbathing and waiting for HER. Meanwhile, right in front of me, there is being conjured up a fabulous picture of the hustle and bustle of the city: the buses passing by, office monkeys marching in columns to have their lunch, you can see somebody selling sausages along with somebody writing parking tickets. In other words life goes on. And I am the only one who is not in a hurry, standing “ashore” and watching world vanities of the big city from the outside.

The Miracle turned out to be uncommonly punctual. As she promised, 15 minutes after the text message I noticed my new girlfriend on the other side of the street. Here, to make the narration more scenic, let’s make it movie-like: urban noise vanishes into thin air, gentle music playing in the background, slow-motion photography, blond curls swaying in the wind, fine summer dress, swaying hips. She is beaming far brighter than the sunshine, waving to me “Hello!” with her hands. Right, I can see you.

We were standing on the opposite sides of the road, separated by city buses rushing one after another. Finally, the traffic lights went red, the buses stopped, she approached me and greeted me with her running voice, in quite a Canadian manner.

- Hello!
- Hi! Way to go, I appreciate punctuality.
- Won’t you have problems for leaving work?
- I have lunchtime now.
- And how long does it usually take you?
- I believe we have an hour to hang-out.
- Got it, so we’re pressed for time; then, follow me.
- If an hour isn’t enough, then let’s maybe run?
- No, let’s walk, it’s not too far.

I did not have any more questions at that very moment. Where and why should I come? – I have no idea. I could have her interrogated but what for?

- Besides, - the Wonder said on the go – the weather is appropriate today.
- Appropriate? – Well yes, in fact, such weather is appropriate for many things, perhaps, except hockey. We aren’t going to play hockey, are we?
- No.
- That’s good.
- By the way, I am glad you agreed to come with me.
- No problem...

Did I “agree”? When? But then again I do not remember refusing anything. And if I did not refuse – this means she is right, one can find some logic in it.

Оценка редактора и комментарий: 6/10 This translator sounds like a young person who wants to be, but isn’t yet, a writer. This person is quite fluent in English, but is trying to phrase things in a way that doesn’t quite work. If I were the editor, I would be able to fix those errors, but after that surgery would be completed, I don’t know how far astray we’d be from your original intention.

11. Переводчик Юрий. Вариант 2

Without any doubt, lunch hour is the best time of the day.

I’m out in the street – stretching and waiting for HER. Meanwhile, I see a strange picture of city hustle: buses passing by, cubicle rats marching in columns to lunch, people selling hot dogs, and policemen writing parking tickets. Life is going on. Still, I’m the one who’s not in a hurry – I’m standing on the shore and watching the fuss of a big city from aside.

Wonder appeared to be very punctual. Everything like she promised – fifteen minutes after receipt of the message, I saw my new friend on the other side of the street. Well, for the sake of the story, let us draw this picture as we’d see it in a movie: city fuss disappears, light music in the background, slow motion, blond hair waving in wind, light summer dress, and hip sway. She smiles brighter than sun and waves her hands, “Hi!” Yeah, I see you.

We were on the opposite sides of the road, and city buses passed by, one after another. At last, traffic lights changed to red, buses stopped, she approached me, and started talking in an emotional Canadian manner.

- Hi!
- Hello to you! I do appreciate punctuality.
- Is it OK that you left your work?
- It’s lunch time.
- And how long does your usual lunch take?
- I think, we can have a one-hour walk.
- I see, it’s not much time. Follow me.
- If one hour is not much, let us run, eh?
- No, let’s walk, it’s not far from here.

I didn’t have any more questions at that moment. Where is she taking me? –I don’t have a clue. I could have interrogated her, but what’s the point?

“By the way,” Wonder said, as we were walking, “weather’s perfectly good today.”
“Perfectly good?” Well, the weather is really perfect for everything, save hockey. “We’re not going to play hockey, are we?”
“No.”
“That’s good.”
“By the way, thanks for agreeing to come with me.”
“My pleasure…”

I “agreed”? When? Still, on the other hand, I don’t remember refusing anything. So, if I didn’t refuse – so, she’s right, there’s certain logics in it.

Оценка редактора и комментарий: 5/10 Like the previous one, this one has some poor writing errors, more than ESL errors. However, there are a few more grammatical errors too.

12. Переводчик Юрий. Вариант 3

There is nothing better in working day as taking a break for lunch.

I went out into the street, stretched myself, taking a nice tan and waiting for HER. Meanwhile I am drawn to the hustle and bustle of the city: the buses are passing by, corporate slaves are advancing with strides for a lunch. Some people are selling hot dogs, others are giving parking tickets. In one word – life goes on. I am the only one who is not in a hurry, standing idly by and contemplating on the outside the vanities of the world in this big city.

It turned out that “Miracle” was awfully punctual. Fifteen minutes passed after SMS and as she promised I noticed my new friend on the other side of the street. Let’s take a moment to form a mental picture helping a reader to imagine the thing: the noise of the city is suddenly gone, somewhere plays light music in the background, slow motion picture, the blonde locks of hair streaming in the breeze, sheer summer dresses, hip swaying. She herself smiles brighter than the sun, waving with hands saying hello. Aha, there she is.

We stood on the different sides of the road and city buses passed one by one between us. At last a red light appeared at traffic light and the buses stopped. She came up and greeted me clearly, in a Canadian manner.

“Hello!”
“Hello to you too. I appreciate your being punctual.”
“Is it okay that you are not at work?”
“It’s my lunch break.”
“How long will it last?”
“I think we have an hour for a walk.”
“I got it. We are pressed for time. Follow me.”
“If one hour is not enough, we could run then.”
“No, let’s go. It’s a short way.”

No more questions appeared at my mind at that moment. Where and why do they lead me? I haven’t got the slightest idea. I could interrogate but what for?

“By the way”, the Miracle told on the way. “And the weather is appropriate.”
“Appropriate?” Well, such weather is really appropriate for much staff probably except hockey. “We are not going to play hockey, are we?”
“No, we are not.”
“This is good.”
“Besides, thanks for agreeing to go with me.”
“It’s all right.”

Did I agree? When? But on the other side I don’t remember that I gave up from something. So if I didn’t give up, then she is right. There’s some logic in it.

Оценка редактора и комментарий: 3/10 3/10 This is quite bad. An editor would have a big job fixing all the grammar errors and vague translations, as well as odd word order.



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